Discouraged

I am so deeply discouraged with my life right now, I honestly just want to runaway or die. Nothing is go right and I am so frustrated to the core. I went away with my family but that turned out AWFUL. My mom continued to call me fat and called me a whore and said how we always ruined her life and we ruined her getaway. I basically ran away and had my boyfriend pick me up, fuck staying there with her. I can't stand her and I have nowhere to go. Also, I don't know about paying my tuition for next year, I don't even want to be alive in September so why pay for schooling.

My boyfriend, hate him. He is always telling me how to excercise and how to eat. If ever I'm hungry and he's not then we won't eat. I will go to his hosue and he'll be like you sure your going to eat that? It makes me sick, and I resent him so much. At the gym today he's like your much smaller than you were, you used to be husky. I remember you had a huge back and your legs were much bigger. Like really, thanks, that is what you remember from when we first started dating. I am sick of it.

Tomorrow is Canada day so I have to celebrate by getting drunk. But after, I am on a 5 day detox plan. I am so so so upset. Oh and i have to work in an hour, .. sucks. I work in a Winners and am basically going to pick up clothes for 5 hours, lots of time to think and be depressed.

Taco Bell

Today has been a kinda bad food day allready ! I haven't been to the gym yet, I will try and force myself to go later .. I feel myself backing out of this workout though, ughh. I'm driving my sister to the mall (for her to work) so I'll probably end up staying there. I'll try and not eat, or if I do it will definately be healthy.

So far I have had a sandwich (little mayo + mustard + cheese ( 1 1/2 slices, ahh i love it) + tomato & bell pepper) and a coffee , just milk though , not sure what percentage .. it was at my boyfriends


Oh and my sister wanted Taco Bell and I caved. It is my favourite, ahh. I did just have one bean burrito which is good. I didn't even want to order my normal side of nachos & cheese so I'm getting better. The bean burrito has 290 calories, which is not too bad but I didn't NEED it, but whatever. Not too bad, and the point is I can eat out without over-doing it.

Today was awful

Such a bad day, I am so depressed with my family situation and I spent the night there as well I have to tonight too. It is awful and I am not so sure what to do, I only have a year left of college but I am beyond frustrated. I am so annoyed im considering dropping out of school and getting a full time job and moving out. Oh, and I really am a level headed person, it just is that bad.

I went to the gym today and burned 300 calories, which is good. It took me longer and I feel exhausted but at least I did it. I ate really well today though !


Breakfast- cheese string & coffee
Lunch- pancakes (homemade with whole wheat flour)
Dinner- pea&carrots&lima beans, and 2 tablespoons of peanut butter & 4 crackers
As well, I had maybe 2 glasses of juice today.
I always do things so drastically so I know I should eat more but I'm really liking how I'm looking. Plus, I'll probably eat tonight .. nights are mostly where I get my calories from .. I need to stop that haha

What are you eating?

What is in your food? I used to be so unaware of what was in my food because if it tastes good then who cares. I started researching all the ingredients and realized how gross and unnecessary some ingredients are. That is why I am starting to cook more at home.

I am vegetarian but have been so unaware of all the gross meat additives that are added to our food. After this list you will defiantly be checking your grocery items! This is gross and so appalling that these ingredients can be added to our food without warning.

Always remember to read the ingredients in your food, if you can’t pronounce more than 3 of the words then don’t eat it. You wouldn’t take a pill that you don’t understand so why eat ingredients you don’t understand. The best food is food that does not have a label (fruits & veggies).

Beaver Anal Glands

The anal glands of a beaver, called castoreum, are in perfumes and colognes but are also sometimes used to enhance the flavour of raspberry candies. GROSS

Beef fat and Gelatin in Twinkies

Does a dessert really need beef fat to make it taste good? Really, that is gross.

Crushed Bugs for red food dye

I would prefer my food to be white or grey than used crushed up bugs as food dye.

Carmine also called Crimson Lake, Cochineal, Natural Red #4^,  C.I. 75470, or E120, is placed in yogurt or juices or candy to make the food red. Dried insects are boiled to produce a liquid solution that is then used as a dye. Sometimes companies hide stuff like this by calling it “natural colour” since bugs are natural.

  

Beetle Juice        

Yes it is really beetle juice.This substance is known as shellac, and is a glaze that comes from the secretions of the female lac beetle. It is the shiny part on candies like skittles or sprinkles. 

Sand in Wendy’s Chilli

This is supposedly used an anti-caking agent, however I’ve never had to put sand in my chilli before. Oh and it’s not referred to as sand, because that would just sound gross. So it is disguised as silicon dioxide .. still sounds gross though.

Calf Stomach in many Cheeses

Yes, even cheese sometimes is not vegetarian. Some cheeses use a substance called rennet, which is a young cow’s fourth stomach.

Peta has a huge list of items that are not vegetarian/vegan, I only researched a couple of the grossest ones I could find. Here is the link for the full list:

http://www.peta2.com/STUFF/s-wte-animalingredients.asp 

Vegetarian

I am a vegetarian and have been since I was 12. I think it has to do with my love for animals, I ADORE animals ... especially my little dog. I can't seem to like the taste of meat, the thought of eating it makes me sick. My family would moo at the table until I cried. Once my mother and sister took me to a meat & cheese shop and pointed out all the dead animals that were hung from the ceiling. I was about 10 and cried my eyes out, while EVERYONE there laughed. I occasionaly try meat but I have no desire to eat it and I despise the taste of it. Some people find it so hard to understand that I don't eat meat. I hate going out to dinner with strangers because they always say OH YOU GOING TO ORDER LETTUCE? WHAT DO YOU EAT IF YOU DONT EAT MEAT? I once had an ex boyfriend say to me YEA..THE REASON WE HAVEN'T INVITED YOU FOR DINNER IS BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SERVE YOU. It drives me insane, I will eat anything but meat. I will eat pasta, or even just the sides of veggies and potatoes. I have never asked for a special meal or expected anyone to go out of there way just because I don't eat meat. I am sick of the prejudice of being a vegetarian and I'm sick of all the websites about hating vegetarians.

These celebrities are all also vegetarian :) I'll be posting some recipes too hopefully, one of which is vegan cupcakes that taste DELICIOUS. (i promise)

-Pamela Anderson
-Alicia Silverstone (vegan)
-Shania Twain
-Carrie Underwood
& many more celebrities

My Insecurity & the reason I hate my mother

I can't stand living here at home, this is an awful environment for anyone. I am temporarly staying at my boyfriends house .. much much better. My mother has ALWAYS been critical of my weight, and I have been on diets since I was 10. She's only proud of me when I don't eat or am starving myself. When I was 10 she used to put my sister and me in competition of who could drink more water. She would force us to drink ten glasses to give us one piece of candy. Last year, around prom time, I went to the gym everyday and hardley ate anything. She always tells me how I COULD BE SO PRETTY LIKE I DID ON PROM, yes of course I can be .. If i never ate and wore my prom dress everyday ! I didn't know I had to look like a prom queen going to the gym or work. She makes me absolutely sick and she does not care about well-being, only my appearance. I have never been told to lose weight by a doctor, and I wear a size 8, or 10 on a bad day. I am SO insecure about my weight that it is ruining my life. I want to be more comfortable with my weight but everytime I get better she just puts me down. Just last week she told me I gained 20 pounds and the whole neighbourhood is commenting. That is the reason I started the diet, I know it's not a good reason, but being on a diet really makes me more comfortable with myself. I guess it's comforting since I've been doing this for 9 years now.. just a way of life.


Yesterday I went to the gym twice, which I feel good about because it made me feel much better. I went first in the morning with my sister and burned 450 calories. I went back in the evening with my boyfriend (after an espresso, so good) and burned another 200. Since my plan was to burn 300 a day that means I could potentially skip a workout this week .. hopefully I don't though.

Today I went to the gym again with my boyfriend, although it was much tougher today. I burned 300 calories but I definately feel exhausted now.

Drinking Soda

I will definately avoid pop from now on because of this article I just read. It is so full of calories and sugar anyways, but just reading the effect it has on my body makes me so much more aware of how gross it truley is. Instead of drinking pop I will have:

• Coffee/Tea, no sugar
• Lemon or Cucumber water
• Fruit Juice with Club Soda (so good!)

Anyways, here is the article:


When somebody drinks a Coke watch what happens…

• In The First 10 minutes: 10 teaspoons of sugar hit your system. (100% of your recommended daily intake.) You don’t immediately vomit from the overwhelming sweetness because phosphoric acid cuts the flavor allowing you to keep it down.
• 20 minutes: Your blood sugar spikes, causing an insulin burst. Your liver responds to this by turning any sugar it can get its hands on into fat. (There’s plenty of that at this particular moment)
• 40 minutes: Caffeine absorption is complete. Your pupils dilate, your blood pressure rises, as a response your livers dumps more sugar into your bloodstream. The adenosine receptors in your brain are now blocked preventing drowsiness.
• 45 minutes: Your body ups your dopamine production stimulating the pleasure centers of your brain. This is physically the same way heroin works, by the way.
• >60 minutes: The phosphoric acid binds calcium, magnesium and zinc in your lower intestine, providing a further boost in metabolism. This is compounded by high doses of sugar and artificial sweeteners also increasing the urinary excretion of calcium.
• >60 Minutes: The caffeine’s diuretic properties come into play. (It makes you have to pee.) It is now assured that you’ll evacuate the bonded calcium, magnesium and zinc that was headed to your bones as well as sodium, electrolyte and water.
• >60 minutes: As the rave inside of you dies down you’ll start to have a sugar crash. You may become irritable and/or sluggish. You’ve also now, literally, pissed away all the water that was in the Coke. But not before infusing it with valuable nutrients your body could have used for things like even having the ability to hydrate your system or build strong bones and teeth.

http://www.nutritionresearchcenter.org/healthnews/what-happens-to-your-body-if-you-drink-a-coke-right-now/

Sunday the 19th

So proud of myself ! I went to the gym for the third day in a row and burned another 300 calories. It was really hard to pursh myself to go but it is definately worth it. Work today was much harder and longer than i thought.

Saturday the 18th

Today was a pretty good health day, except for breakfast I had two bites of cheesecake. I did go to the gym and burned 300 calories on the elliptical. As well, I worked and had to be on my feet for 7 hours, hopefully that burned a lot of calories too. Now I just have to motivate myself to do it all again tomorrow !

Inspiring Gym Quotes

 "If you have a dream, I say go for it. Just believe and work hard. Just remember that it takes time."-Britney Spears

The resistance that you fight physically in the gym, and the resistance that you in fight, can only build a strong character. -Arnold Schwarzenegger

Champions aren't made in the gym. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them - a desire, a cream, a vision. - Muhammad Ali

Those who think they have not time for bodily excercise will sooner of later have to find time for illness. - Edward Stanley

Fitness - If it came in a bottle, then everybody would have a great body - Cher

Add to Chapter...

The Gym

Last year I went to the gym every single day and I looked and felt much better. I am going to lose weight and will start tracking my progress and posting pictures. I am currently 150 pounds and I am a size 6/8.

My goal this week is to go to the gym everyday and burn 300 calories. That will be a total of 2,100 calories which would be really really nice!

I am working the next two days so I will have to wake up early and motivate myself to go to the gym. Usually 300 calories only takes half an hour, so hopefully it will not be too bad.

Friday - 300 calories, Elliptical, Treadmill, and Rowing Machine.