My Insecurity & the reason I hate my mother

I can't stand living here at home, this is an awful environment for anyone. I am temporarly staying at my boyfriends house .. much much better. My mother has ALWAYS been critical of my weight, and I have been on diets since I was 10. She's only proud of me when I don't eat or am starving myself. When I was 10 she used to put my sister and me in competition of who could drink more water. She would force us to drink ten glasses to give us one piece of candy. Last year, around prom time, I went to the gym everyday and hardley ate anything. She always tells me how I COULD BE SO PRETTY LIKE I DID ON PROM, yes of course I can be .. If i never ate and wore my prom dress everyday ! I didn't know I had to look like a prom queen going to the gym or work. She makes me absolutely sick and she does not care about well-being, only my appearance. I have never been told to lose weight by a doctor, and I wear a size 8, or 10 on a bad day. I am SO insecure about my weight that it is ruining my life. I want to be more comfortable with my weight but everytime I get better she just puts me down. Just last week she told me I gained 20 pounds and the whole neighbourhood is commenting. That is the reason I started the diet, I know it's not a good reason, but being on a diet really makes me more comfortable with myself. I guess it's comforting since I've been doing this for 9 years now.. just a way of life.


Yesterday I went to the gym twice, which I feel good about because it made me feel much better. I went first in the morning with my sister and burned 450 calories. I went back in the evening with my boyfriend (after an espresso, so good) and burned another 200. Since my plan was to burn 300 a day that means I could potentially skip a workout this week .. hopefully I don't though.

Today I went to the gym again with my boyfriend, although it was much tougher today. I burned 300 calories but I definately feel exhausted now.